I feel like life is trying to eat me.

The past two weeks have been quite literally some of the most difficult of my adult life (and that's saying something considering some of the things I have gone through).  I even asked my boss to take me off the case I am working on because it is sucking the life out of me.

She said no by the way.

One of the hardest parts of working in healthcare is the part where you have no one to share your stuff with. There needs to be a nurses anonymous where we can just go and talk about our stuff. It's particularly hard in my line of work because I work independently. This is why I talk to myself in the car a lot (if that passenger seat could talk...)

So I am trying to work on positive ways to deal with the work stress that don't include running 200 miles a day (I don't run) or drinking myself to death (don't drink much). The past weekend we demo'd our kitchen in preparation for remodeling and LET ME TELL YOU. Nothing works out issues like swinging a hammer at sheet rock and ripping out cabinets!!! I was totally Zen for about 30 seconds at work on Monday until I had to meet with a certain community partner who makes me crazy. The Zen left and Monday lasted two weeks. At least it felt that way.

So I am looking for another plan because I can't afford to tear out all the walls in my house. Puppy cuddler is sounding good right about now. As a profession and therapy.

I love what I do. Helping elderly people remain in their homes as long as possible is important. And also heartbreaking at times. It is building a level of character in me that was missing before. It is teaching me patience. It is showing me a new kind of love.

When I was a young girl I read constantly. One of my favorites was C.S. Lewis's Narnia series. I wore the pages out reading and re-reading them. My favorite by far was The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. In this book there is a young boy named Eustace Scrub. He is not a very likable fellow and he finds himself in a predicament in which he has turned himself into a dragon accidentally due to his selfish nature. During his journey to discover how to turn back into a real boy he has to peel off the layers of his dragon skin. It is an unpleasant and somewhat painful experience for him but when it is over his spirit is renewed and he is forever changed for the better.

I want to be like Eustace. I want this experience to change me into a new person, full of kindness, compassion, patience and boundless love. I have some of these qualities already but not in their full measure and not in an unselfish way. I know that there is a plan in all of this. I just have to keep seeking the Plan Maker and He will show me the way.

Ok, I'm off to see what Wednesday has in store. I'm sure it can only get better from here!!

In my line of work, confidentiality is the rule. This leads to a lot of stressful nights for me trying to work out the events of the day (or days) and me being a grouchy wife for my poor husband. I tend to talk to myself as I drive down the road hoping that the car seat next to me is sympathetic (the jury is still out, its looks like a judgmental bastard). The good thing about the technological advances of the 21st century is that I at least don't look like the schizo that I am, due to Bluetooth technology. ("Mommy, that lady is talking to herself! Oh honey don't worry, she is talking to someone on her Bluetooth!")  No, I'm talking to myself.

I also tend to listen to moody, sad, depressing music. This helps IMMENSELY. Let me tell you, there is nothing like a good break up song when you are already sad to make for a happy wife walking in the front door. 

So, I decided I better start writing things down. Of course none of this will be actually what I am dealing with, that would get me fired in a New York Minute. But as much as possible, through combining stories and name/place/time changes I hope to be able to express my life and emotions here and to somehow lessen the pain of what I do. What do I do? I work with older adults who are unable to care for themselves. People who have dementia, or Alzheimer's, or a myriad of other issues and are in need of some assistance. It's not always bad, but when it's bad, its bad. But sometimes it's GREAT. I'll share those times too. Those are the times that get me through, that keep me going. I love the elderly, there are a national treasure and we do not respect them as we should in this country. I hope, through my little stories, to impart some of this love and caring to you.  

Thanks for reading. I'll be back soon.